i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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