Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
