New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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