I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
