My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
