Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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