they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
