The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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