I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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