before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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