Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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