apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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