When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i dont even know how to be here
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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