I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
