it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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