If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
