Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
