she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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