Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
