u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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