I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
