dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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