How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
