I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
