Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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