Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
