I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize