You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
