Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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