rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
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