I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
