Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
