We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
