they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
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Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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