I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
