I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
