I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
