***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
