exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
