So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
