we have pet lesbian snakes
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I checked into jail on foursquare
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
