This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
