get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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