does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
