So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
