***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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