she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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