Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
