remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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