Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
