I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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