there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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