Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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