ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
