drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
